Battleship (2012) Review
"Man Down," as Rihanna might say. Actually, lots of men down. Just as many ships sunk. This film has action, destruction, humour and it has aliens with beards. Whilst it has that, it lacks good acting and a good story. For example, the film boasts Liam Neeson in posters. Liam Neeson has played Zeus and Oskar Schindler. He is the voice of Aslan. He is the star of thrillers such as Taken and Unknown. I wonder how he's turned up in Battleship, alongside Rihanna. Neeson takes a minor role as a navy admiral, he is on our screens for a very short time and his character's path in the film is very boring. He doesn't even kill anyone, which in a film festooned with weapons and death, is rather pointless. Rihanna's contribution on the other hand was much better. Her performance is good, her character is believable. Her transition from microphone to screen was smooth, unlike Neeson's transition from thriller to 'killer.' That is unfortunately the end of the brief list of stars, and they don't even take the big roles.
The first scene sets the tone for the film. The gist of the first scene is Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), a foolish alcoholic and a stolen burrito. He breaks into a shop to steal this burrito to give to Samantha (Brooklyn Decker), a girl who has taken his fancy. The scene ends with Alex getting tasered by the police, as he places the burrito in Samantha's hands to the hysterical laughter of the entire cinema. I personally found it a disappointing way to start a Liam Neeson blockbuster. Advertised an alien film, I was raring to see how these creatures were brought to life. Yet another disappointment. The beasts in this film were ten foot tall humanoids wearing armour. They had flourishes of orange hair protruding from their mouths and thick eyebrows over their reptile eyes. It was rapidly turning in to a farce.
Fortunately, the worst was yet to come. After one ship had sunk at the hands of the bearded lizards, the surviving crew had to find a new battleship. They found a seventy year old steam ship, which they unfortunately had no idea how to drive. The bearded lizards seemed to have this in the bag. Until, of course, randomly placed around the ship, twenty navy veterans all in aviators appear. They're raring to help. Cue the slow motion camera and cheesy music. It was official, I was witnessing a farce. After two hours had very quickly passed by, the aliens had been sent home, the crew rewarded medals. The moral of the story had been, 'Steal a burrito and you'll be involved in intergalactic war.' It had been an essential experience, not because it will change my life but because it cheered me up. In a sort of, 'Thank goodness it's over,' way.